Why “let me know if you need anything” often isn’t enough

When my husband passed away, people showed up for me.

The messages came, food arrived, friends and family checked in.

I had people around me who genuinely wanted to help, and that support mattered more than I can explain.

But I also learnt something about grief that I don't think you can fully understand until you've experienced it.

Sometimes, being asked what you need is another thing you have to do. When you're grieving, you can be surrounded by people saying, “Let me know if you need anything” and still have absolutely no idea how to answer them.

Not because you don't appreciate the offer, but you genuinely don't know what you need.

Grief changes your capacity

After my husband died, I wasn't only grieving.

I was 29 years old, 17 weeks pregnant with triplets and suddenly dealing with an entirely different life.

There were phone calls to make, forms to complete, decisions to make and people to speak to. There were the practical realities of losing my husband happening alongside the emotional reality that he was gone.

At the same time, normal life didn't disappear.

There were still bins that needed to go out, groceries that needed buying and a house that needed looking after.

This is something I think people who want to support someone through grief often don't realise.

The question “What can I do?” sounds helpful.

But answering it requires the grieving person to identify what needs doing, decide what they're comfortable handing over, work out who could do it and then ask that person for help.

That's a surprising amount of mental load when your capacity is already stretched.

People aren't afraid to help. They're afraid of getting it wrong

Something else I've noticed is how much people worry about saying or doing the wrong thing.

Should I bring up the person who died?
Should I give them space?
Should I ask how they're doing?
What if I make them cry?
What if they don't want visitors?

I understand why people hesitate.

Most of us are never taught how to support someone through grief, so we rely on phrases we've heard before or wait for the grieving person to tell us what they need.

You don't need to fix their grief

There is no perfect sentence that will make someone feel better after the person they love has died.

And there doesn't need to be.

Supporting someone isn't about finding the positive, offering a solution or trying to make their sadness disappear.

Sometimes what a grieving person needs most is somebody who is comfortable enough to let things be hard.

Someone who can sit beside them without trying to find a silver lining.

Someone who isn't frightened by their sadness.

Someone who continues saying the name of the person who died.

You don't need to fix grief to be incredibly helpful to someone experiencing it.

Support can be much more practical than we realise

Some of the support I remember most wasn't complicated.

It was people making something easier.

That's what I've continued to hear from other grieving people too. Often, the things that make a difference aren't grand gestures. They're practical actions that remove one task, one decision or one small piece of mental load.

And importantly, that support doesn't only matter immediately after someone dies.

There can be an enormous amount of care in those first few weeks. Then the funeral happens, people return to work and normal life resumes for everyone around you.

Grief doesn't follow them. Sometimes one of the most meaningful things you can do is simply remember to still be there later.

We need to get more comfortable with imperfect support

I don't think we need to become grief experts to support the people we love.

We need to become more comfortable showing up without having all the answers.

You might say something awkward.

You might offer something they don't need.

They might say no.

That's okay.

There is a big difference between getting something slightly wrong while genuinely showing up and disappearing because you're too worried about getting it wrong.

For the people who want to help but don't know how

I've created a new free guide called What Grieving People Actually Need.

It's for the friend, sibling, colleague, neighbour or family member who cares deeply about someone who is grieving but finds themselves thinking:
I want to help. I just don't know what to do.

It shares practical ways to support someone, some of the things grieving people wish others understood, alternatives to the phrases we instinctively reach for, and simple things you can do now.

You don't have to do everything.

You don't have to get everything right.

Sometimes you just need to pick one thing and show up.